Envy

Esinsillia. I envy you. I want to be like you. You and Ernanda. I always want to be 'his' model, just like you to be Ernanda's. Sometimes, I wondering "what if our life become like yours. I married with him, become his model, become his one and only wife. We're traveling around the world, sponsored by some travel agents, using a nice car to explore the city, staying in a suite room in a gorgeous hotel, do nothing but take pictures a lot of them and have fun.
When we have nothing to do, then we will stay in our small but cozy apartment, enjoying our lazy morning. I sit on the clutch and he sits in front of his Mac, editing some pictures.
I envy you, I want to be like you and he become Ernanda."
But, I know nobody's perfect. So, here's the truth. Today, right now, I'm laying down on my bed, writing about him, thinking that it's finally healing, my scars is healing. Then, one day when I go back to course it's okay to meet him again. But, then my head, my brain have a silly dumb image printed. I wish that I can spend time until new years, tonight with him.
I can still see the picture, what's my wish looks like. We're both go somewhere quite, far away from the crowd, but not that far from the city because I still can see the fireworks. We sit, we talk, we wait for the fireworks. He looks at his watch and tell me that it's time for countdown. The we count. When the fireworks start, I make a wish, he make a wish. Our hands are holding on each other. Just holding on like that. We look into the fireworks. We're not even saying happy new year, because we both know, that time word doesn't matter anymore, but the presence of our self.
You know what, I wrote this down because I think after writing  this down I can forget this, my sick dumb fantasies that start killing me.